30
那個奶奶當然就是阿黛爾，我打電話給我以前的公公婆婆，是圭多·艾羅塔接的電話，他冷冰冰地把電話轉給了他妻子。阿黛爾很客氣，她跟我說，艾爾莎在她那里，又補充說，她不是一個人去的。
The grandma was, of course, Adele; I
? called my in-laws. Guido answered coldly and put his wife on. Adele was
? cordial, she told me that Elsa was there and added, Not only her.
“那個男孩和她在一起？”
“The boy’s there, too?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“我可以去你們那里嗎？”
“Would you mind if I came to you?”
“我們等著你來。”
“We’re expecting you.”
我讓恩佐把我放在佛羅倫薩火車站。那趟旅行非常復雜，火車晚點，又要等待換車，還有各種各樣讓人心煩的事兒。我想著艾爾莎，她一定是利用自己的狡黠把阿黛爾也卷入其中。黛黛根本就不會玩手段，但艾爾莎在遇到問題時總是會想出計策來保護自己，她很少失手。很明顯，按照她的盤算，她要把里諾放到她奶奶面前，她和黛黛都很清楚，阿黛爾很勉強地才接受我當她的兒媳。一路上我的心踏實很多，因為我知道她在安全的地方，但我痛恨她讓我不得不面對的局面。
I had Enzo leave me at the station in
? Florence. The journey was complicated, with delays, waits, annoyances of
? every type. I thought about how Elsa, with her sly capriciousness, had ended
? up involving Adele. If Dede was incapable of deception, Elsa was at her best
? when it came to inventing strategies that could protect her and perhaps let
? her win. She had planned, it was clear, to impose Rino on me in the presence
? of her grandmother, a person who—she and her sister knew well—had been very
? unwilling to accept me as a daughter-in-law. For the entire journey I felt
? relieved because I knew she was safe and hated her for the situation she was
? putting me in.
我來到熱內亞，準備面對一場劇烈的沖突，但我發現阿黛爾很熱情，圭多·艾羅塔也很客氣。至于艾爾莎——她穿著過節的衣服，濃妝艷抹，手上戴著我母親的手鐲，非常鮮艷，還有很多年前她父親送給我的戒指，她對我很親熱，也很自在，就好像我生她的氣是不可理喻的事兒。唯一沉默不語，垂著眼睛，覺得自己做錯事的人是里諾，這讓我很心軟，最后我對他要比對我女兒友好一點。也許恩佐說得對，在這件事情里，里諾并不是很重要，沒有起到主導作用，他一點都沒學到他母親的那種剛硬和肆無忌憚的性格，都是艾爾莎把他拖進來的，她只是把里諾當成武器來傷害黛黛。有幾次他看著我時，目光像一條忠實的狗。
I arrived in Genoa ready for a hard
? battle. But I found Adele very welcoming and Guido polite. As for
? Elsa—dressed for a party, heavily made up, on her wrist my mother’s bracelet,
? and on full display the ring that years earlier her father had given me—she
? was affectionate and relaxed, as if she found it inconceivable that I could
? be mad at her. The only silent one, eyes perpetually downcast, was Rino, so
? that I felt sorry for him and ended up more hostile toward my daughter than
? toward him. Maybe Enzo was right, the boy had had scant importance in that
? story. Of his mother’s hardness, her insolence, he had no trace, it was Elsa
? who had dragged him along, beguiling him, and only to hurt Dede. The rare
? times he had the courage to look at me his glances were those of a faithful
? dog.
我很快明白，阿黛爾接待了艾爾莎和里諾，就好像他們是一對夫婦：他們一起睡覺，有自己的房間、自己的毛巾。在奶奶面前，艾爾莎一點兒也不害臊地展示出了他們的親密關系，也許在我面前是故意這樣的。吃完晚飯之后，兩個孩子手拉著手進了房間，我婆婆想要引導我說一些里諾的不是。她后來說：“艾爾莎還是一個孩子，我不知道，她在這個小伙子身上看到了什么吸引人的地方，我們應該幫著她走出來。”我打起精神回答說：“里諾是個好孩子，假如不是個好孩子，那也沒辦法，她愛上里諾了。”我對阿黛爾表示了感謝，感謝她接待了兩個孩子，還有她的遠見，然后我就去睡覺了。
I quickly understood that Adele had
? received Elsa and Rino as a couple: they had their own room, their own
? towels, they slept together. Elsa had no trouble flaunting that intimacy
? authorized by her grandmother, maybe she even accentuated it for me. When the
? two withdrew after dinner, holding hands, my mother-in-law tried to push me
? to confess my aversion for Rino. She’s a child, she said at a certain point,
? I really don’t know what she sees in that young man, she has to be helped to
? get out of it. I tried, I said: He’s a good kid, but even if he weren’t,
? she’s in love and there’s little to be done. I thanked her for welcoming them
? with affection and broad-mindedness, and went to bed.
但我整晚都睡不著，想著如何面對這個局面。假如我說錯一句話，可能會把我的兩個女兒都毀了。我沒辦法讓艾爾莎和里諾馬上切斷關系，我也沒辦法強迫兩個姐妹生活在一個屋檐下，根據目前的情況，這是不可能的。我想，如果這時候我搬到另一個城市，那只能使事情更復雜，艾爾莎會留下來和里諾在一起。我很快意識到，假如我把艾爾莎帶回家里，讓她念到高中畢業，那我就要讓黛黛離開我，讓她去她父親那里。第二天，按照阿黛爾告訴我的最佳的通話時間（我發現她和她兒子經常通話），我給彼得羅打了電話。他母親已經仔仔細細地跟他講了發生的事情，阿黛爾對這件事情的真實態度并非她在我面前表現的那樣。彼得羅用沉重的語氣說：
But I spent the whole night thinking
? about the situation. If I said the wrong thing, even just a wrong word, I
? would probably ruin both my daughters. I couldn’t make a clean break between
? Elsa and Rino. I couldn’t oblige the two sisters to live together at that
? impossible moment: what had happened was serious and for a while the two
? girls couldn’t be under the same roof. To think of moving to another city
? would only complicate things, Elsa would make it her duty to stay with Rino.
? I quickly realized that if I wanted to take Elsa home and get her to graduate
? from high school I would have to lose Dede—actually send her to live with her
? father. So the next day, instructed by Adele about the best time to call (she
? and her son—I discovered—talked to each other constantly), I talked to
? Pietro. His mother had informed him in detail about what had happened and
? from his bad mood I deduced that Adele’s true feelings were certainly not
? what she showed me. Pietro said gravely:
“我們應該搞清楚，我們到底是哪門子父母，我們讓兩個女兒失去了什么東西。”
“We have to try to understand what sort
? of parents we’ve been and how we’ve failed our daughters.”
“你是說我不是一個好母親？”
“Are you saying that I haven’t been and
? am not a good mother?”
“我說的是感情需要連續性，我和你都沒辦法給黛黛和艾爾莎提供這種保證。”
“I’m saying that there’s a need for
? continuity of affection and that neither you nor I have been able to insure
? that Dede and Elsa have that.”
我打斷了他，跟他說，他現在可以做其中一個孩子完整的父親：黛黛想去美國和他一起生活，馬上出發都可以。
I interrupted him, announcing that he
? would have a chance to be a full-time father to at least one of the girls:
? Dede wanted to go and live with him immediately, she would leave as soon as
? possible.
聽到這個消息，他并沒有太高興，他沉默了一下，態度有點兒遲疑。他說，他還在適應階段，他需要時間。我回答說：“你了解黛黛，你們倆一模一樣，即使你拒絕她，她也一樣會來的。”
He didn’t take the news well, he was
? silent, he prevaricated, he said he was still adapting and needed time. I
? answered: You know Dede, you’re identical, even if you tell her no you’ll
? find her there.
那天，一有機會和艾爾莎面對面談時，我立刻痛罵了她一通，根本不管她親熱的態度。我讓她把錢和首飾都還給我，還有我母親的手鐲。我一字一句地說：“你再也不要碰我的東西。”
The same day, as soon as I had a chance
? to talk to Elsa alone, I confronted her, ignoring her blandishments. I had
? her give back the money, the jewelry, my mother’s bracelet, which I
? immediately put on, stating: You must never touch my things again.
她的語氣很溫和，她在討好我，可我不吃這一套。我說，我會毫不猶豫地去起訴里諾，然后是她。她正要頂嘴，我把她推到一面墻上，開始扇她的耳光，我當時的表情應該非常可怕，她嚇得哭了起來。
She was conciliatory, I wasn’t, I hissed
? that I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to report first of all Rino, and then
? her. As soon as she tried to answer I pushed her against a wall, I raised my
? hand to hit her. I must have had a terrible expression, she burst into
? terrified tears.
“我恨你！”她抽泣著說，“我再也不想見到你，我再也不想回那個狗屎一樣的地方去生活。”
“I hate you,” she sobbed. “I don’t ever
? want to see you again, I will never go back to that shitty place where you
? made us live.”
“好吧，假如你爺爺奶奶不把你趕走的話，我可以讓你整個夏天都待在這里。”
“All right, I’ll leave you here for the
? summer, if your grandparents don’t kick you out first.”
“然后呢？”
“And then?”
“在九月你要回家，去上學，你會和里諾一起生活在我們的房子里，一直到你厭倦為止！”
“Then in September you’ll come home,
? you’ll go to school, you’ll study, you’ll live with Rino in our apartment
? until you’ve had enough of him.”
她驚異地看著我，有很長時間她都覺得難以置信。我說出這些話時，就好像那是非常可怕的懲罰，但她覺得，那是一個讓人驚異的寬宏大量之舉。
She stared at me, stunned; there was a
? long instant of incredulity. I had uttered those words as if they contained
? the most terrible punishment, she took them as a surprising gesture of
? generosity.
“真的嗎？”
“Really?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“我永遠都不會厭倦的。”
“I’ll never have enough of him.”
“我們再說吧。”
“We’ll see.”
“莉娜阿姨會怎么說？”
“And Aunt Lina?”
“莉娜阿姨會同意的。”
“Aunt Lina will agree.”
“媽媽，我不想傷害黛黛，我愛里諾，事情就這么發生了。”
“I didn’t want to hurt Dede, Mamma, I
? love Rino, it happened.”
“這種事情還會發生一千次！”
“It will happen countless more times.”
“這不是真的。”
“It’s not true.”
“算你倒霉。這就意味著你會一輩子愛里諾。”
“Worse for you. It means you’ll love Rino
? your whole life.”
“你是在和我開玩笑嗎？”
“You’re making fun of me.”
我說我沒在開玩笑，我覺得一個小姑娘嘴里說出那樣的話，顯得很可笑。
I said no, I felt only all the absurdity
? of that verb in the mouth of a child.
31
我回到城區，跟莉拉說了我對兩個孩子的提議。當時我們的談話冷冰冰的，就像一場談判。
I returned to the neighborhood, I told
? Lila what I had proposed to the children. It was a cold exchange, almost a
? negotiation.
“你讓他們住在你家里？”
“You’ll have them in your house?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“假如你沒問題，那我也沒問題。”
“If it’s all right with you, it’s all
? right with me, too.”
“費用我們可以一人承擔一半。”
“We’ll split the expenses.”
“可以都由我來承擔。”
“I can pay it all.”
“我現在還是有這些錢的。”
“For now I have money.”
“我也有。”
“For now I do, too.”
“那我們說好了。”
“We’re agreed, then.”
“黛黛有什么反應？”
“How did Dede take it?”
“還好，她過幾個星期出發去找她父親。”
“Fine. She’s leaving in a couple of
? weeks, she’s going to visit her father.”
“讓她過來跟我打個招呼。”
“Tell her to come and say goodbye.”
“我覺得她不會來的。”
“I don’t think she will.”
“那你告訴她，向彼得羅問好。”
“Then tell her to say hello to Pietro for
? me.”
“我會告訴她的。”
“I’ll do that.”
忽然間，我感覺一陣心痛，我說：
Suddenly I felt a great sorrow, I said:
“在短短幾天時間里，我失去了兩個女兒。”
“In just a few days I’ve lost two
? daughters.”
“不要說這樣的話，你什么都沒失去，你反而還多了一個兒子。”
“Don’t use that expression: you haven’t
? lost anything, rather you’ve gained a son.”
“這都是你一手造成的。”
“It’s you who pushed him in that
? direction.”
她皺著眉頭，好像很迷惑。
She wrinkled her forehead, she seemed
? confused.
“我不知道你在說什么。”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“你一直在挑唆，刺激，鼓動。”
“You always have to incite, shove, poke.”
“你女兒做的那些事情，你也要算在我頭上嗎？”
“Now you want to get mad at me, too, for
? what your children get up to?”
我嘟噥了一句我很累，就走了。
I muttered, I’m tired, and left.
實際上有好幾天，一連幾個星期，我都沒法擺脫一個想法，那就是莉拉無法忍受我生活中的平衡，她總是試圖打破那種平衡。她一直都是這樣，在蒂娜失蹤之后，她變得更加糟糕了：她采取一個行動，看看后果，然后再采取另一個行動。她的目的是什么呢？也許她自己也不知道。唯一可以肯定的是，我兩個女兒的關系破裂了，艾爾莎現在陷入很糟糕的境地，黛黛要離開了，我不知道我在城區還要待多久。
For days, for weeks, in fact, I couldn’t
? stop thinking that Lila couldn’t bear the equilibrium in my life and so aimed
? at disrupting it. It had always been so, but after Tina’s disappearance it
? had worsened: she made a move, observed the consequences, made another move.
? The objective? Maybe not even she knew. Of course the relationship of the two
? sisters was ruined, Elsa was in terrible trouble, Dede was leaving, I would
? remain in the neighborhood for an indeterminate amount of time.
32
我為黛黛的出發做準備。我時不時會對她說：“你留下吧！你走了我會很難過。”她回答說：“你很忙的，根本就不會察覺到我走了。”我又說：“伊瑪很依戀你，艾爾莎也是，你們把話說清楚就好了，一切都會過去的。”但黛黛根本不想聽到妹妹的名字，我一說到艾爾莎，她就做了一個很厭煩的表情，摔門而去。
I was preoccupied with Dede’s departure.
? Occasionally I said to her: Stay, you’re making me very unhappy. She
? answered: You have so many things to do, you won’t even notice I’m gone. I
? insisted: Imma adores you and so does Elsa, you’ll clear things up, it will
? pass. But Dede didn’t want to hear her sister’s name, as soon as I mentioned
? it she assumed an expression of disgust and went out, slamming the door.
在出發前的那個晚上，她忽然變得面色蒼白，我們在吃晚飯，她開始發抖。她喃喃地說：“我沒法呼吸。”伊瑪馬上給她倒了一杯水。黛黛喝了一口，她離開自己的座位，過來坐在了我的腿上，對我來說這是一個出乎預料的舉動。她又高又大，個頭比我還高，已經有很長時間她不再和我有身體上的接觸了，假如我們偶然碰到彼此，她也會很厭煩地躲開。她的重量、熱度還有豐滿的腰部讓我很驚異，我攬著她的腰，她抱著我的脖子哭了起來，抽泣得很厲害。伊瑪也離開了她的位子，走到我們跟前來，也想讓我把她摟在懷里。她以為姐姐不會走了，在接下來的幾天里，她很高興，表現得好像一切都恢復了正常。黛黛后來還是決定走了，在那次感情崩潰之后，她表現得更加明確和堅定。她對伊瑪很親切，親了伊瑪無數次，對她說：“你要每星期給我寫一封信。”她任憑我擁抱她親她，但她沒有回應。
A few nights before her departure she
? suddenly grew very pale—we were having dinner—and began to tremble. She
? muttered: I can’t breathe. Imma quickly poured her a glass of water. Dede
? took a sip, then left her place and came to sit on my lap. It was something
? she had never done. She was big, taller than me, she had long since cut off
? even the slightest contact between our bodies; if by chance we touched she
? sprang back as if by a force of repulsion. Her weight surprised me, her
? warmth, her full hips. I held her around the waist, she put her arms around
? my neck, she wept with deep sobs. Imma left her place at the table, came over
? and tried to be included in the embrace. She must have thought that her
? sister wouldn’t leave, and for the next days she was happy, she behaved as if
? everything had been put right. But Dede did leave; rather, after that
? breakdown she seemed tougher and more determined. With Imma she was
? affectionate, she kissed her hundreds of times, she said: I want at least one
? letter a week. She let me hug and kiss her, but without returning it. I
? hovered around her, I struggled to predict her every desire, it was useless.
? When I complained of her coldness she said: It’s impossible to have a real
? relationship with you, the only things that count are work and Aunt Lina;
? there’s nothing that’s not swallowed up inside them, the real punishment, for
? Elsa, is to stay here. Bye, Mamma.
好的轉機是：她開始叫妹妹的名字了。
On the positive side there was only the
? fact that she had gone back to calling her sister by name.
33
艾爾莎是一九八八年九月初回家的，我希望她的活力能讓我擺脫糟糕的心緒：我覺得，莉拉真的把我拉入了蒂娜失蹤之后給她留下的空洞之中。但事情并非如此，里諾出現在我家里，不僅僅沒有帶來活力，而是使這個家更加黯淡了。他是一個很溫順的小伙子，完全為艾爾莎和伊瑪服務，這使兩個女兒對他頤指氣使，就好像他是家里的仆人。就拿我自己來說吧，我已經習慣于交代他去做一些很乏味的事情，比如說在郵局排隊寄東西，這樣我就有更多的時間來工作。但是，看著他那笨重遲緩的身體在我眼前晃悠，讓我覺得很不舒服。他低眉順眼，你讓他做什么他都會去做，除了生活上的一些細節，比如說小便時要把馬桶座掀起來，或者不要把臟內褲和襪子亂丟。
When, in early September of 1988, Elsa
? returned home, I hoped that her liveliness would drive out the impression
? that Lila really had managed to pull me down into her void. But it wasn’t so.
? Rino’s presence in the house, instead of giving new life to the rooms, made
? them bleak. He was an affectionate youth, completely submissive to Elsa and
? Imma, who treated him like their servant. I myself, I have to say, got into
? the habit of entrusting to him endless boring tasks—mainly the long lines at
? the post office—which left me more time to work. But it depressed me to see
? that big slow body around, available at the slightest nod and yet moping,
? always obedient except when it came to basic rules like remembering to raise
? the toilet seat when he peed, leaving the bathtub clean, not leaving his
? dirty socks and underwear on the floor.
艾爾莎不會為改善局面動一根手指，相反她很樂意讓情況更糟糕。我不喜歡她和里諾在伊瑪的面前做那些親昵的動作，我不喜歡她扮演一個無所顧忌的女人，但實際上她只是一個十五歲的小姑娘。尤其是我無法容忍她房間亂糟糟的樣子，之前她和黛黛住的房間，現在被她和里諾占據了。她每天睡眼惺忪地起來去上學，匆匆吃完早點就走了。過一會兒了，里諾出現了，他會花上一個多小時吃各種各樣的東西，然后把自己關在洗手間里，又是半個小時，他穿好衣服，晃蕩一下就出去了。他去學校接艾爾莎，接她回來之后，他們興高采烈地吃午飯，吃完馬上把自己關在房間里。
Elsa didn’t lift a finger to improve the
? situation, rather she purposely complicated it. I didn’t like her coy ways
? with Rino in front of Imma, I hated her performance as an uninhibited woman
? when in fact she was a girl of fifteen. Above all I couldn’t bear the state
? in which she left the room where once she had slept with Dede and which now
? she occupied with Rino. She got out of bed, sleepily, to go to school, had
? breakfast quickly, slipped away. After a while Rino appeared, ate for an
? hour, shut himself in the bathroom for at least another half hour, got
? dressed, hung around, went out, picked up Elsa at school. When they got back
? they ate cheerfully and immediately shut themselves in the room.
那個房間就好像一個犯罪現場，艾爾莎不愿意別人進去收拾，但他們倆誰也不會想著開窗通風，整理一下。在皮諾奇婭來之前，我都會開窗通風，因為我擔心皮諾奇婭會嗅到性愛的味道，看到他們留下的痕跡，這讓我很心煩。
That room was like a crime scene, Elsa
? didn’t want me to touch anything. But neither of them bothered to open the
? windows or tidy up a little. I did it before Pinuccia arrived; it annoyed me
? that she would smell the odor of sex, that she would find traces of their
? relations.
皮諾奇婭不喜歡這種事。當涉及衣服、鞋子、化妝品和發型時，她會很欣賞那些現代的東西，但在那種情況下，她通過各種方式告訴我，我做的決定太現代了，城區的大部分人都這么認為。有一天早上我正在工作，讓人非常不舒服的是，她把一只放在報紙上、扎起來防止精液流出來的避孕套展示在我面前。她滿臉嫌棄地對我說：“這是我在床底下發現的。”我假裝什么事兒也沒有，一邊在電腦上打字一邊說：“你沒必要給我看，不是有垃圾桶嗎？”
Pinuccia didn’t like the situation. When
? it came to dresses, shoes, makeup, hairstyles, she admired what she called my
? modernity, but in this case she let me understand quickly and in every
? possible way that I had made a decision that was too modern, an opinion that
? must have been widespread in the neighborhood. It was very unpleasant, one
? morning, to find her there, as I was trying to work, with a newspaper on
? which lay a condom, knotted so that the semen wouldn’t spill. I found it at
? the foot of the bed, she said disgusted. I pretended it was nothing. There’s
? no need to show it to me, I remarked, continuing to type on the computer,
? there’s the wastebasket for that.
實際上，我也不知道怎么辦才好。剛開始，我想一切慢慢會好轉，但事情越來越復雜了。每天我都要和艾爾莎發生沖突，讓她不要太過分，黛黛離開帶來的傷痛還沒愈合，我不想也失去她。我頻頻去找莉拉，跟她說：“你跟里諾說說吧，他是個乖孩子，你跟他說，讓他整潔一些。”但她好像就等著這樣的機會，跟我吵架。
In reality I didn’t know how to behave.
? At first I thought that over time everything would improve. Every day there
? were clashes with Elsa, but I tried not to overdo it; I still felt wounded by
? Dede’s departure and didn’t want to lose her as well. So I went more and more
? often to Lila to say to her: Tell Rino, he’s a good boy, try to explain that
? he has to be a little neater. But she seemed just to be waiting for my
? complaints to pick a quarrel.
“讓他住下來吧。”有一天早上她很生氣，“讓他住在你家里，簡直不是個好主意。我們這樣吧：我家里有地方，你女兒想來找他隨時可以下來，想要睡在這里，只要敲敲門。”
“Send him back here,” she raged one
? morning, “enough of that nonsense of staying at your house. Rather, let’s do
? this: there’s room, when your daughter wants to see him she comes down,
? knocks, and sleeps here if she wants.”
我很煩，我女兒要和她兒子睡覺，還得敲門？我忍不住說：
I was annoyed. My child had to knock and
? ask if she could sleep with hers? I muttered:
“不用，現在這樣就好。”
“No, it’s fine like this.”
“假如這樣就好，那我們還說什么？”
“If it’s fine like this, what are we
? talking about?”
我嘆了一口氣說：
I fumed.
“莉拉，我是讓你說說里諾，他已經二十四歲了，讓他表現得像個大人。我不想一直和艾爾莎吵架，我害怕自己失去控制，把她從家里趕出去。”
“Lila, I’m just asking you to talk to
? Rino: he’s twenty-four years old, tell him to behave like an adult. I don’t
? want to be quarreling with Elsa continuously, I’m in danger of losing my
? temper and driving her out of the house.”
“那問題在你女兒身上，不在我兒子身上。”
“Then the problem is your child, not
? mine.”
在那種情況下，氣氛很快就變得很緊張，但我們都沒發泄出來，她熱嘲冷諷，我很沮喪地回到家里。有一天晚上，我們在吃晚飯，從樓梯間傳來一聲不容置否的叫喊，莉拉讓她兒子馬上回去。里諾很擔憂，艾爾莎主動陪他下去了。莉拉看到艾爾莎，說：“這是我們的家事，回你家去吧。”我女兒很沮喪地回來了，之后，下面爆發出一陣瘋狂的爭吵。莉拉在叫喊，恩佐和里諾也在嚷嚷。我為艾爾莎感到難過，她很不安，她的手在抖。她說：“媽媽，發生了什么？為什么他們要這樣對待里諾，你幫他開脫一下吧。”
On those occasions the tension rose
? rapidly but had no outlet; she was sarcastic, I went home frustrated. One
? evening we were having dinner when, from the stairs, her intransigent cry
? reached us, she wanted Rino to come to her immediately. He got agitated, Elsa
? offered to go with him. But as soon as Lila saw her she said: This is our
? business, go home. My daughter returned sullenly and meanwhile downstairs a
? violent quarrel erupted. Lila shouted, Enzo shouted, Rino shouted. I suffered
? for Elsa, who was anxiously wringing her hands, she said: Mamma, do
? something, what’s happening, why do they treat him like that?
我什么都沒說，什么也沒做。下面的爭吵聲平息了下來，過了一會兒，里諾沒上來。艾爾莎讓我下去看看發生了什么。我下去了，是恩佐而不是莉拉開的門，他很疲憊、無精打采，也沒讓我進去。他說：
I said nothing, I did nothing. The
? quarrel stopped, some time passed, Rino didn’t return. Elsa then insisted
? that I go see what had happened. I went down and Enzo, not Lila, opened the
? door. He was tired, depressed, he didn’t invite me to come in. He said:
“莉拉對我說，里諾在你那兒表現不好，他應該回到這里住。”
“Lila told me that the boy doesn’t behave
? well, so from now on he’s staying here.”
“讓我跟她談談。”
“Let me talk to her.”
我和莉拉談到了深夜，恩佐把自己關在另一個房間里，他表情陰郁。我很快明白，她希望我懇求她。她介入了，她把她兒子叫回去，羞辱了一番。現在她期望我對她說：“你兒子就是我兒子，他在我家里和艾爾莎一起睡，一點兒問題也沒有。我再也不抱怨了。”我堅持了很長時間，最后我屈服了，把里諾帶回了家。剛離開他們家，我就聽見她和恩佐又開始吵架。
I discussed it with Lila until late into
? the night; Enzo, gloomy, shut himself in another room. I understood almost
? immediately that she wanted to be thanked. She had intervened, she had taken
? back her son, had humiliated him. Now she wanted me to say to her: Your son
? is like a son of mine, it’s fine with me that he’s at my house, that he
? sleeps with Elsa, I won’t come and complain anymore. I resisted for a long
? time, then I gave in and brought Rino back to my house. As soon as we left
? the apartment I heard her and Enzo start fighting again.
34
里諾對我很感激。
Rino was grateful.
“萊農阿姨，我欠你太多了，你是我認識的人中最好的，我會永遠愛你。”
“I owe you everything, Aunt Lenù, you’re
? the best person I know and I’ll always love you.”
“里諾，我一點兒也不好。我只拜托你一件事情，你要記住，我們家只有一個洗手間，那個洗手間，除了艾爾莎，我和伊瑪也要用的。”
“Rino, I’m not good at all. All you owe
? me is the favor of remembering that we have a single bathroom and, besides
? Elsa, Imma and I also use that bathroom.”
“你說得對，對不起，有時候我會疏忽，我再也不了。”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, sometimes I get
? distracted, I won’t do it anymore.”
他不停地道歉，但他依然不停地疏忽。他用自己的方式表達他的努力，他說了一千次他要找一份工作，要分擔家里的費用，他會非常小心，不會給我帶來不便，他對我崇拜得五體投地等等。他一直都沒找到工作，在日常生活里，他各個方面還是像以前一樣，甚至表現得更加糟糕。但我再也沒去找莉拉，我一直對她說一切都好。
He constantly apologized, he was
? constantly distracted. He was, in his way, in good faith. He declared
? endlessly that he wanted to find a job, that he wanted to contribute to the
? household expenses, that he would be very careful not to cause me trouble in
? any way, that he had an unbounded respect for me. But he didn’t find a job,
? and life, in all the most dispiriting aspects of dailiness, continued as
? before, and perhaps worse. At any rate, I stopped going to Lila. I told her:
? Everything’s fine.
我覺得她和恩佐之間的關系越來越緊張，我不想成為他們吵架的導火索。有一段時間，我最擔心的事情發生了，就是他們吵架的性質變了。在過去總是莉拉在嚷嚷，恩佐一直沉默不語，但現在事情已經不再是這樣。莉拉在叫喊，我經常會聽到蒂娜的名字，她的聲音穿透地板，就像生病時痛苦的呻吟，恩佐忽然間就爆發了，他用那種充滿暴力的方言發出怒吼，像激流一樣滔滔不絕。這時候莉拉會忽然停下來，恩佐大喊大叫時，聽不見她的聲音，但他一停下來，我就能聽見摔門的聲音。我聽著莉拉的腳步聲出現在樓梯間，她會下樓，最后她的腳步聲淹沒在大路上來來往往的車流聲中。
It was becoming very clear to me that the
? tension between her and Enzo was increasing, and I didn’t want to be the fuse
? for their rages. What had been upsetting me, for a while, was that the nature
? of their arguments had changed. In the past Lila yelled and Enzo for the most
? part was silent. But now it wasn’t like that. She yelled, I often heard
? Tina’s name, and her voice, filtered through the floor, seemed a kind of sick
? whine. Then suddenly Enzo exploded. He shouted and his shouting extended into
? a tumultuous torrent of exasperated words, all in violent dialect. Lila was
? silent then; while Enzo shouted she couldn’t be heard. But as soon as he was
? silent you could hear the door slam. I strained my ears for the shuffling of
? Lila on the stairs, in the entrance. Then her steps vanished in the sounds of
? the traffic on the stradone.
之前，恩佐還會追上去，但現在他已經不會那么做了。我想，也許我應該下去和他談談，告訴他：你也跟我說過，莉娜依然很痛苦，那你就體諒一下。但我放棄了，我希望她能盡早回來，但她一整天都在外面晃悠，有時候晚上也不回來。她在做什么？我想象她躲在圖書館里，就像彼得羅跟我講的，要么她在那不勒斯轉悠，很仔細地看著每棟大樓、每座教堂、每處遺跡和紀念碑。要么她會把這兩樣東西混合起來：先是在城里逛蕩，然后在書上找到相關的資料。我的生活應接不暇，我從來都沒時間也沒有心情和她提到她生活里的這些新動向，她也從來都沒和我說過。但我知道，假如她對一件發生興趣，她的注意力會很集中，會很狂熱，她會投入很多的時間和精力。讓我擔心的是她在吵完架之后的消失，還有她夜里也會在外面逛蕩。這時候，我腦子里會想到這個城市下面那些凝灰巖隧道，還有阿爾克教堂里會把那些不幸的靈魂引向煉獄的盛放死者頭骨的墓穴，青銅色的骷髏。有時候我一直無法入睡，直到聽到她的腳步聲從樓下上來，還有關門的聲音。
Enzo used to run after her, but now he
? didn’t. I thought: maybe I should go down, talk to him, tell him: You
? yourself told me how Lina continues to suffer, be understanding. But I gave
? up and hoped that she would return soon. But she stayed away the whole day
? and sometimes even the night. What was she doing? I imagined that she took
? refuge in some library, as Pietro had told me, or that she was wandering
? through Naples, noting every building, every church, every monument, every
? plaque. Or that she was combining the two things: first she explored the
? city, then she dug around in books to find information. Overwhelmed by
? events, I had never had the wish or the time to mention that new mania, nor
? had she ever talked to me about it. But I knew how she could become
? obsessively focused when something interested her, and it didn’t surprise me
? that she could dedicate so much time and energy to it. I thought about it
? with some concern only when her disappearances followed the shouting, and the
? shadow of Tina joined the one vanishing into the city, even at night. Then
? the tunnels of tufa under the city came to mind, the catacombs with rows of
? death’s-heads, the skulls of blackened bronze that led to the unhappy souls
? of the church of Purgatorio ad Arco. And sometimes I stayed awake until I
? heard the street door slam and her footsteps on the stairs.
在那些黑暗的日子里，有一天，我先是聽到吵架的聲音，她離開了。我很擔心地從窗口向外往，然后就看到有幾個警察朝著我們這棟樓走來。警察來她家里了，我馬上跑到了樓梯口。那些警察是來找恩佐的，他們逮捕了他。我試圖介入，想搞清楚是怎么回事兒，但警察毫不客氣地讓我閉嘴，給他戴上手銬帶走了。走下樓梯時，恩佐用方言對著我喊了一句：“莉娜回來之后，告訴她不要擔心，我不會有事的。”
On one of those dark days the police
? appeared. There had been a quarrel, she had left. I looked out at the window
? in alarm, I saw the police heading toward our building. I was frightened, I
? thought something had happened to Lila. I hurried onto the landing. The
? police were looking for Enzo, they had come to arrest him. I tried to
? intervene, to understand. I was rudely silenced, they took him away in
? handcuffs. As he went down the stairs Enzo shouted to me in dialect: When
? Lina gets back tell her not to worry, it’s a lot of nonsense.
35
有很長時間，我都很難搞清楚恩佐犯了什么事兒。莉拉對他的態度變了，不再那么充滿敵意，她打起精神為他四處活動，面對這個新考驗，她一聲不吭，非常堅決。當她發現，國家不承認她類似于妻子的身份——因為她和斯特凡諾沒辦離婚手續，也沒和恩佐正式結合，所以她不能和恩佐見面，她非常氣憤。她花了很多錢，通過正式以及非正式的途徑，讓恩佐感覺到她的支持和關心。
For a long time it was hard to know what
? he was accused of. Lila stopped being hostile toward him, gathered her
? strength, and concerned herself only with him. In that new ordeal she was
? silent and determined. She became enraged only when she discovered that the
? state—since she had no official bond with Enzo and, furthermore, had never
? been separated from Stefano—wouldn’t grant her a status equivalent to a wife
? or, as a result, the possibility of seeing him. She began to spend a lot of
? money so that, through unofficial channels, he would feel her closeness and
? her support.
這段時期我又去找了尼諾，我從瑪麗莎那里得知，要想得到尼諾的幫助簡直是癡心妄想，他甚至都不會為他父親、母親和幾個弟弟妹妹動一根手指頭。但在我的請求下，他馬上就行動起來了，也許是想在伊瑪面前有面子，也許他想要在莉拉面前展示他的權力——盡管是通過間接的方式。無論如何，即使是他，也沒能搞清楚恩佐的具體情況，在不同的時候，他跟我說了幾個不同的版本，連他自己都覺得他說的不可靠。發生了什么事？當然是和娜迪亞有關，在她哭哭啼啼的陳述當中，她提到了恩佐的名字。她提到了那個時期，恩佐、帕斯卡萊曾和法院路上的那些工人和學生組織來往密切。她把早年一些抗議性行動歸到了他們身上，就是毀壞居住在曼佐尼街上的北約官員的財產的行動。當然，那些審訊者想證實恩佐也參加了帕斯卡萊的其他眾多的犯罪行動，但他們沒什么確切的證據。他們開始推測，恩佐和帕斯卡萊一起采取了一些非政治性的行動。也許娜迪亞認為，那些血腥事件中有一部分，尤其是謀殺布魯諾·索卡沃，都是帕斯卡萊執行的，但所有這些都是由恩佐策劃的。也許娜迪亞說，她從帕斯卡萊那里得知，殺死索拉拉兄弟的人有三個——他、安東尼奧·卡普喬還有恩佐·斯坎諾，他們是一起長大的朋友，情同手足，他們跟索拉拉兄弟有很多個人恩怨，所以決定報仇雪恨。
Meanwhile I went back to Nino. I knew
? from Marisa that it was useless to expect help from him, he wouldn’t lift a
? finger even for his own father, his mother, his siblings. But with me he
? again readily made an effort, maybe to make a good impression on Imma, maybe
? because it meant showing Lila, if indirectly, his power. Not even he,
? however, could understand precisely what Enzo’s situation was and at
? different times he gave me different versions that he himself admitted were
? not reliable. What had happened? It was certain that Nadia, in the course of
? her sobbing confessions, had mentioned Enzo’s name. It was certain that she
? had dug up the period when Enzo, with Pasquale, had frequented the
? worker-student collective in Via dei Tribunali. It was certain that she had
? implicated them both in small demonstrations, carried out, many years
? earlier, against the property of NATO officials who lived in Via Manzoni. It
? was certain that the investigators were trying to involve Enzo, too, in many
? of the crimes that they had attributed to Pasquale. But at this point
? certainties ended and suppositions began. Maybe Nadia had claimed that Enzo
? had had recourse to Pasquale for crimes of a nonpolitical nature. Maybe Nadia
? had claimed that some of those bloody acts—in particular the murder of Bruno
? Soccavo—had been carried out by Pasquale and planned by Enzo. Maybe Nadia had
? said she had learned from Pasquale himself that it was three men who killed
? the Solara brothers: him, Antonio Cappuccio, Enzo Scanno, childhood friends
? who, incited by a longtime solidarity and by an equally longstanding
? resentment, had committed that crime.
那些年情況非常復雜，整個世界的秩序都發生了翻天覆地的變化。那些經過長期學習獲得的技能、堅持的正確政治路線，忽然間變得很沒意義，沒必要在上面浪費時間。無政府主義、馬克思主義、葛蘭西主義、共產主義、列寧主義、托洛茨基主義、工運中心主義忽然都變成了過時的標簽。一個人對另一個人的壓榨，利益最大化，這些之前被認為是讓人痛恨的事，現在又成了自由和民主的基本點。同時通過或合法或非法的途徑，國家開始用強硬的辦法清算以前的革命組織留下的問題。經常會有人被暗殺，或者被關進監獄，一些普通人也會倉皇逃跑。像尼諾那樣的人，他已成了議會成員，或者像阿爾曼多·加利亞尼那樣的人，他通過電視已經小有名氣了，他們早就意識到，形勢會發生變化，他們馬上就適應了新局面。至于像娜迪亞的人，警察會讓他們老實交代，很明顯，他們會通過告發自己的同伙，來洗清自己。我想，像帕斯卡萊和恩佐那樣的人不會那么做，他們一定還在繼續思考、表達、進攻和捍衛自己，他們會提出他們在六七十年代學到的那些口號。實際上，帕斯卡萊在監獄里依然堅持斗爭，對于那些國家公仆，他一個字都沒有說，他沒揭發別人，也沒有為自己開脫。恩佐當時是開口了，他是用那種很簡潔的方式斟詞酌句，表達了自己身為Communist的感情，同時否認別人對他的指控。
They were complicated years. The order of
? the world in which we had grown up was dissolving. The old skills resulting
? from long study and knowledge of the correct political line suddenly seemed
? senseless. Anarchist, Marxist, Gramscian, Communist, Leninist, Trotskyite,
? Maoist, worker were quickly becoming obsolete labels or, worse, a mark of
? brutality. The exploitation of man by man and the logic of maximum profit,
? which before had been considered an abomination, had returned to become the
? linchpins of freedom and democracy everywhere. Meanwhile, by means legal and
? illegal, all the accounts that remained open in the state and in the
? revolutionary organizations were being closed with a heavy hand. One might
? easily end up murdered or in jail, and among the common people a stampede had
? begun. People like Nino, who had a seat in parliament, and like Armando
? Galiani—who was now famous, thanks to television—had intuited for a while
? that the climate was changing and had quickly adapted to the new season. As for
? those like Nadia, evidently they had been well advised and were cleansing
? their consciences by informing. But not people like Pasquale and Enzo. I
? imagine that they continued to think, to express themselves, to attack, to
? defend, resorting to watchwords they had learned in the sixties and
? seventies. In truth, Pasquale carried on his war even in prison, and to the
? servants of the state said not a word, either to implicate or to exonerate
? himself. Enzo, on the other hand, certainly talked. In his usual laborious
? way, weighing every word with care, he displayed his feelings as a Communist
? but at the same time denied all the charges that had been brought against
? him.
同時，莉拉在監獄外面，也集中她的聰明才智，還有她的壞脾氣，和那些非常昂貴的律師一起投入了一場戰斗，想把他撈出來。恩佐是一個幕后策劃者？一個戰士？他什么時候做的這些？假如很多年里他從早到晚都在“Basic
? Sight”工作，他怎么可能會和安東尼奧還有帕斯卡萊一起把索拉拉兄弟殺了，假如同一時間他在阿維利諾，而安東尼奧在德國？除此之外，假如他們都在城區，但大家對他們都非常熟悉，無論他們戴不戴面罩，一定都會被認出來的。
Lila, for her part, focused her acute
? intelligence, her bad character, and very expensive lawyers on the battle to
? get him out of trouble. Enzo a strategist? A combatant? And when, if he had
? been working for years, from morning to night, at Basic Sight? How would it
? have been possible to kill the Solaras with Antonio and Pasquale if he was in
? Avellino at the time and Antonio was in Germany? Above all, even admitting
? that it was possible, the three friends were well known in the neighborhood
? and, masked or not, would have been recognized.
但沒辦法，法律機器勇往直前，后來我開始擔心莉拉也會被逮捕。娜迪亞說出了一個又一個名字，警察把那些在法院路上參加活動的人一個個都抓了起來：有一個是在糧農組織工作的人，有一個是銀行職員，還有阿爾曼多的前妻伊莎貝拉也沒躲過這一劫，雖然她現在已經是國家電力公司的一個技術人員的全職太太。盡管大家都很擔心，但娜迪亞只放過了兩個人：她哥哥和莉拉。也許加利亞尼老師的女兒想著，把恩佐牽扯進來對于莉拉已經是一個很沉重的打擊。或者她一直都很痛恨莉拉，但從根本上來說，也許很尊敬她，經過再三猶豫之后，她決定放過莉拉。要么就是她很害怕莉拉，她害怕直面莉拉。但我更樂意相信，因為她知道了蒂娜的事情，她對莉拉產生了同情，或者更進一步說，假如一個母親受到了這種打擊，那沒有任何東西可以傷害到她了。
But there was little to do, the wheels of
? justice, as they say, advanced, and at a certain point I was afraid that
? Lila, too, would be arrested. Nadia named names upon names. They arrested
? some of those who had been part of the collective of Via dei Tribunali—one
? worked at the U.N., one at the F.A.O., one was a bank employee—and even
? Armando’s former wife, Isabella, a peaceful housewife married to a technician
? at Enel, got her turn. Nadia spared only two people: her brother and, in
? spite of widespread fears, Lila. Maybe the daughter of Professor Galiani
? thought that by involving Enzo she had already struck her deeply. Or maybe
? she hated her and yet respected her, so that after much hesitation she
? decided to keep her out of it. Or maybe she was afraid of her, and feared a
? direct confrontation. But I prefer the hypothesis that she knew the story of
? Tina and took pity on her, or, better still, she had thought that if a mother
? has an experience like that, there is nothing that can truly hurt her.
但對于恩佐的那些指控慢慢澄清了，那都是一些沒根據的事。這次法律失手了，開始變得疲憊。總的來說，經過很多個月的調查，只有極少的幾個問題站得住腳：他和帕斯卡萊是老朋友；在圣約翰·特杜奇奧時期，他是工人學生運動的積極分子；還有賽里諾山上的一座小破房子——帕斯卡萊的藏身之所，是從他阿維利諾一個親戚那里租的。經過一輪又一輪的審判，開始他被認為是一個非常危險的恐怖分子首領，策劃執行了一些非常殘酷的犯罪行為，后來成了一個武裝斗爭的支持者，再后來就連那種支持也成了一種泛泛的觀點，從來都沒變成犯罪行為，最后恩佐被釋放了。
Meanwhile, eventually, the charges
? against Enzo proved to be without substance, justice lost its grip, got
? tired. After many months, very little remained standing: his old friendship
? with Pasquale, militancy in the worker-student committee in the days of San
? Giovanni a Teduccio, the fact that the run-down farmhouse in the mountains of
? Serino, the one where Pasquale had been hiding, was rented to one of his
? Avellinese relations. Step by judicial step, he who had been considered a
? dangerous leader, the planner and executor of savage crimes, was demoted to
? sympathizer with the armed struggle. When finally even those sympathies
? proved to be generic opinions that had never been transmuted into criminal
? actions, Enzo returned home.
但距恩佐被逮捕已經過去了兩年，在城區里大家都開始覺得，他是一個比帕斯卡萊·佩盧索還更危險的恐怖分子。我們從小都認識帕斯卡萊，他一直都在干活，根據街頭巷尾的傳說，他唯一的錯誤就在于，他是一個忠于自己理想的人，盡管柏林的墻倒了，但他也不會脫去Communist員的外衣，就好像他父親把這層外衣縫在了他身上，他永遠都不會退縮，他把別人的過錯也扛在了自己肩上。他們說，恩佐很聰明，他通過“Basic
? Sight”的生意把自己偽裝起來了，尤其是他背后的人是莉娜·賽魯羅——他的主心骨，一個比他更危險、更聰明的人物。他們倆應該做了很多可怕的事。總之，那些閑言碎語讓人們覺得：他們倆是真正殺人放火的人，但他們非常狡猾，逃脫了所有懲罰。
But by then almost two years had passed
? since his arrest, and in the neighborhood a reputation as a terrorist who was
? much more dangerous than Pasquale Peluso had solidified around him.
? Pasquale—said people on the streets and in the shops—we’ve all known him
? since he was a child, he always worked, his only crime was that he was always
? an upright man who, even after the fall of the Berlin Wall, didn’t shed the
? uniform of a Communist his father sewed on him, who took on himself the sins
? of others and will never surrender. Enzo, on the other hand—they said—is very
? intelligent, he is well camouflaged by his silences and by the Basic Sight
? millions, above all he has behind him, directing him, Lina Cerullo, his black
? soul, more intelligent and more dangerous than he is: the two of them, yes,
? they must have done horrible things. Thus, as spiteful rumors accumulated,
? they were both marked out as people who not only had shed blood but had been
? clever enough to get away with it.
在這種氣氛下，因為莉拉之前的漫不經心，還有后來在律師身上的大筆花費，他們的公司一直都無法重新啟動。他們商量著把公司賣掉，盡管恩佐之前經常預測，這個公司值十億里拉，但后來他們很艱難地才賣出了一億里拉。一九九二年春天，他們已經不吵架了，他們分開了——無論是作為生意伙伴，還是作為同居伴侶。恩佐把大部分錢都留給了莉娜，他去米蘭找工作。有一天下午，他對我說：“你要多關心她，她一直跟自己過不去，到老了會更難過。”有一段時間，他一直給我寫信，我也給他回信，他給我打了幾次電話，后來就沒消息了。
In that climate their business, already
? in trouble because of Lila’s indifference and the money she had spent on
? lawyers and other things, couldn’t get going again. By mutual consent they
? sold it, and although Enzo had often imagined that it was worth a billion
? lire, they barely got a couple of hundred million. In the spring of 1992,
? when they had stopped fighting, they separated both as business partners and
? as a couple. Enzo left a good part of the money to Lila and went to look for
? work in Milan. To me he said one afternoon: Stay near her, she’s a woman who
? isn’t comfortable with herself, she’ll have a hard old age. For a while he
? wrote regularly, I did the same. A couple of times he called me. Then that
? was all.
