7

有一天早上，我記得好像是一九八六年六月的一天，情況越來越糟糕了，又有一個(gè)人失蹤了。農(nóng)齊亞來我家打掃衛(wèi)生，她臉色比平時(shí)更陰沉，她說里諾前一天晚上沒回家睡覺，皮諾奇婭找遍了整個(gè)城區(qū)。她跟我說這些時(shí)，并沒看我的臉，就像其他時(shí)候一樣，她實(shí)際上是想讓我把這事兒告訴莉拉。

Things got even worse when, one morning—I

? think it was in June of 1986—there was another disappearance. Nunzia arrived,

? grimmer than usual, and said that Rino hadn’t returned home the previous

? night, that Pinuccia was looking for him all over the neighborhood. She gave

? me the news without looking at me, as she did when what she was telling me

? was really meant for Lila.

我去樓下跟莉拉說了這件事。莉拉馬上就把詹納羅叫了過來，她很肯定詹納羅知道他舅舅在哪兒。兒子什么都不愿意說，這讓莉拉變得越來越強(qiáng)硬。一整天過去了，還是沒有找到里諾，詹納羅決定配合。第二天早上，他不愿意和恩佐、莉拉一起去找，而是讓他父親和他一起去。斯特凡諾氣喘吁吁地來了，妹夫的事兒讓他很心煩，他也為自己感到不安，因?yàn)樗杏X無力。他面如死灰，不停地摸著自己的喉嚨說：“我喘不上氣。”最后他們父子倆——孩子很強(qiáng)壯，斯特凡諾已經(jīng)瘦得像鐵絲上套著寬大的衣服，朝著鐵路方向走去。

I went downstairs to report it. Lila

? immediately summoned Gennaro—she took it for granted that he would know where

? his uncle was. The boy resisted, he didn’t want to reveal anything that might

? lead his mother to become even harsher. But when the entire day passed and

? Rino still couldn’t be found, he decided to cooperate. The next morning he

? refused to let Enzo and Lila come with him on the search, but resigned

? himself to the company of his father. Stefano arrived out of breath, nervous

? because of yet another difficulty that his brother-in-law was causing,

? apprehensive because of his own ill health, and, continually touching his

? throat, said, ashen-faced: I can’t breathe. Finally father and son—the boy

? large, the man looking like a stick in his oversized clothes—set off for the

? railroad.

他們穿過調(diào)車場的小廣場，沿著老鐵軌的方向走，那些鐵軌上停著廢棄的車廂。他們?cè)谝粋€(gè)廢棄的車廂里找到了里諾，他是坐著的，眼睛睜著，鼻子看起來很大，黑色的絡(luò)腮胡長得很長，就像野草一樣。看到這一幕，斯特凡諾忘記了自己的身體狀況，他氣得要發(fā)瘋了，對(duì)著妹夫的尸體破口大罵，想撲上去打他。他叫喊著：“你生是一個(gè)混蛋，死也是個(gè)混蛋，你真是活該，你真是死得像一個(gè)混球！”他那么生氣，是因?yàn)槔镏Z把她妹妹皮諾奇婭毀掉了，他還把自己的兒子還有外甥毀掉了。“你看，”他對(duì)詹納羅說，“你看看，等待你的是什么下場。”詹納羅緊緊抓住了他的肩膀，拉住他，但他還在掙扎，在用腳踢。

They crossed the switching yard and

? walked along the old tracks where disused cars had been abandoned. In one of

? them they found Rino. He was seated, his eyes were open. His nose seemed

? enormous, his unshaved beard, still black, covered his face, up to the

? cheekbones, like an overgrown plant. Stefano, seeing his brother-in-law,

? forgot his health and had a real fit of rage. He shouted insults at the

? corpse, he wanted to kick it. You were a shit as a boy—he screamed—and a shit

? you’ve remained. You deserve this death, you died like a shit. He was angry

? because he had ruined his sister Pinuccia, because he had ruined his nephews,

? and because he had ruined his son. Look, he said to Gennaro, look what’s

? waiting for you. Gennaro grabbed him from behind and gripped him hard to

? restrain him while, kicking and thrashing, Stefano tried to get free.

當(dāng)時(shí)是清晨，但天氣已經(jīng)很熱了。那個(gè)車廂散發(fā)著屎尿的臭味，座位已經(jīng)陷進(jìn)去了，玻璃非常臟，已經(jīng)看不到外面了。斯特凡諾還在那里掙扎著咒罵，詹納羅失去了耐心，對(duì)他說了一些不敬的話。他說做斯特凡諾的兒子太惡心了，整個(gè)城區(qū)里，他最敬重的人是他母親和恩佐。這時(shí)候斯特凡諾哭了起來。他們?cè)诶镏Z的尸體旁待了一會(huì)兒，并不是為了守著他，而是為了平靜下來。最后他們回去和大家通報(bào)了這個(gè)消息。

It was early morning but already starting

? to get hot. The car stank of shit and pee, the seats were broken, the windows

? so dirty you couldn’t see out. Since Stefano continued to struggle and howl,

? the boy lost his temper and said ugly things to his father. He said that it

? disgusted him to be his son, that the only people in the whole neighborhood

? he respected were his mother and Enzo. At that point Stefano began to cry.

? They sat together for a while beside Rino’s body, not to watch over him, only

? to calm down. They went home to deliver the news.

8

只有農(nóng)齊亞和費(fèi)爾南多為里諾的死感到難過。皮諾奇婭只是做了做樣子為丈夫哭了幾聲，一分鐘之后她就好像重生了一樣。兩個(gè)星期之后，她就跑到我家里來，問她能不能取代她婆婆——農(nóng)齊亞現(xiàn)在沉浸在喪子之痛中，沒法再干活，她會(huì)在我出去時(shí)打掃衛(wèi)生、做飯，照顧我的女兒，只收取和她婆婆同樣的錢。她的手腳沒農(nóng)齊亞那么勤快，但更愛聊天，黛黛、艾爾莎和伊瑪相比之下更喜歡她。她說了三個(gè)姑娘很多好話，不停地恭維我。她說：“你看起來真漂亮啊，真是個(gè)闊太太。我在你衣柜里看到很多漂亮的裙子，還有很多鞋子，能看出來，你是個(gè)大人物，和那些重要的人物來往。聽說你的小說要改編成電影，是不是真的？”

Nunzia and Fernando were the only ones

? who felt the loss of Rino. Pinuccia mourned her husband only as much as was

? indispensable and then seemed to be reborn. Two weeks afterward she showed up

? at my house to ask if she could replace her mother-in-law, who was crushed by

? grief and didn’t feel like working anymore: she would clean the house, cook,

? and take care of my daughters in my absence for exactly the same sum. She was

? less efficient than Nunzia but more talkative and above all more appealing to

? Dede, Elsa, and Imma. She was full of compliments for all three of them and

? for me as well. How well you look, she said, you’re a lady: I see you’ve got

? beautiful dresses and a lot of shoes in the closet, it’s obvious that you’re

? important and you go out with important people: is it true that they’re

? making a film out of your book?

剛開始，她穿得像一個(gè)寡婦，過了一陣子，她就問我有沒有不穿的衣服給她，盡管她很胖，穿不上我的衣服。她說：“我會(huì)改一改的。”我給她選了幾件。她的手很巧，真的把衣服改得很合身。過了幾天，她來干活時(shí)，穿得就像是去參加聚會(huì)一樣，她在走廊里走來走去，想讓我們說出自己的看法。她對(duì)我很感激，有時(shí)候她很高興，不想干活只想聊天，她談到了伊斯基亞的那段時(shí)光。她經(jīng)常會(huì)非常感動(dòng)地提到布魯諾·索卡沃，會(huì)感嘆說：“他死得真慘啊！”有兩次她甚至說了一句她非常喜歡的話：“我守了兩次寡。”有一天早上她跟我說，里諾作為真正的丈夫只有很少的幾年，其他時(shí)候他就像小孩子，在床上也一樣，一分鐘就完事兒，有時(shí)候連一分鐘都不到。她生氣地說，“啊，是的，他一點(diǎn)兒也不成熟，夸夸其談，愛說謊，還很自負(fù)，就像莉娜一樣自負(fù)，這是他們賽魯羅家人的特點(diǎn)，他們都是無情而且浮夸的人。”然后她就說起了莉拉的壞話，說她占有了哥哥的勞動(dòng)成果。我反駁說：“這不是真的，莉娜一直都很愛里諾，是她哥哥一直都在利用她。”皮諾奇婭滿臉敵意地看著我，冷不丁地就開始贊美起自己的丈夫。她一字一句地說：“賽魯羅鞋子是里諾設(shè)計(jì)的，但莉娜說是她設(shè)計(jì)的，她利用這一點(diǎn)欺騙了斯特凡諾，讓斯特凡諾娶了她，然后從他身上弄了很多錢——我爸爸給我們留了幾百萬里拉。然后她又和米凱萊·索拉拉聯(lián)合起來，把我們所有人都?xì)Я恕！弊詈笏f：“你不要維護(hù)她，你也很清楚。”

At first she acted like a widow, but then

? she asked if there were dresses I didn’t wear anymore, even if she was large

? and they didn’t fit her. I’ll let them out, she said, and I chose some for

? her. She altered them carefully and skillfully, and then she appeared at work

? as if she were going to a party, parading back and forth along the hall so

? that the girls and I could give her our opinion. She was very grateful to me;

? at times she was so content that she wanted to talk rather than work, and she

? recalled the days of Ischia. She often alluded to Bruno Soccavo, becoming

? emotional, and saying in a low voice: What a terrible end he had. A few times

? she made a remark that must have pleased her greatly: I was widowed twice.

? One morning she confided to me that Rino had been a real husband only for a

? few years, otherwise he had behaved like a boy: even in bed, one minute and

? off he got, sometimes not even the minute. Ah, yes, he was immature, he was a

? braggart, a liar, but also arrogant, arrogant like Lina. It’s a

? characteristic of the race of the Cerullos—she grew angry—they’re bigmouths

? and they’ve got no feelings. Then she began to speak ill of Lila, she said

? she had appropriated everything that was a product of her brother’s

? intelligence and hard work. I replied: It’s not true, Lina loved Rino, it was

? he who exploited her in every way. Pinuccia looked at me bitterly, out of the

? blue she began to praise her husband. Cerullo shoes, she pronounced, he

? invented, but then Lina took advantage, she cheated Stefano, she made him

? marry her, she stole a lot of money—Papa had left us millionaires—and then

? she made a deal with Michele Solara, she ruined us all. She added: Don’t

? defend her, you know it perfectly well.

當(dāng)然，這不是真的，事情并非如此。我清楚，皮諾奇婭說這些話是因?yàn)橐郧暗亩髟埂Ｔ谒绺缢篮螅蚶ㄒ坏恼鎸?shí)反應(yīng)就是承認(rèn)了這些謊言。我早就發(fā)現(xiàn)，每個(gè)人都按照自己的方式來回憶過去，我驚異地發(fā)現(xiàn)自己也是如此，但讓我震驚的是，一個(gè)人會(huì)承認(rèn)一些對(duì)自己不利的事情。莉拉馬上就說，鞋子的事情都是里諾的功勞。她說，她哥哥從小就充滿想象力和創(chuàng)造力，假如不是索拉拉插了一手，那他一定會(huì)成為像“菲拉格慕”那樣的大品牌。她努力把里諾的生活定格在她父親的修鞋鋪?zhàn)兂闪诵⌒瑥S的那個(gè)階段，他做的其他事情，他對(duì)莉拉做的事情，都已經(jīng)一筆勾銷了。現(xiàn)在，唯一鮮活的形象就是她哥哥小時(shí)候在她暴戾的父親面前一直在保護(hù)她，縱容她發(fā)揮自己的聰明才智。

It wasn’t true, naturally, I knew

? something quite different, Pinuccia spoke like that because of old

? resentments. And yet Lila’s only real reaction to the death of her brother

? was that she confirmed many of those lies. I had long since realized that

? each of us organizes memory as it suits him, I’m still surprised when I do it

? myself. But it surprised me that one could go so far as to give the facts an

? arrangement that went against one’s own interests. Lila began almost

? immediately to attribute to Rino all the merits of the business with the

? shoes. She said that her brother had had extraordinary imagination and skill

? since he was a boy, that if the Solaras hadn’t interfered he might have

? surpassed Ferragamo. She strove to stop the flow of Rino’s life at the exact

? moment when her father’s workshop was transformed into a small factory, and

? from all the rest—everything that he had done and had done to her—she removed

? shape and form. She kept alive and solid only the figure of the boy who had

? defended her against a violent father, who had indulged the yearnings of a

? girl who sought outlets for her own intelligence.

對(duì)她來說，這應(yīng)該是一種緩解痛苦的好辦法，因?yàn)樵谕欢螘r(shí)間，她又重新激起了對(duì)蒂娜的回憶。她表現(xiàn)得不再像孩子隨時(shí)都可能回來，而是用一個(gè)很陽光的形象來填補(bǔ)家里和她內(nèi)心的虛空，就好像用一個(gè)電腦程序編造出來的一樣，蒂娜成了一幅全息圖：她在這里，同時(shí)也不在這里，莉拉一直都在召喚她。她把女兒拍得好看的照片拿給我看，或者她讓我聽恩佐給她錄的一歲、兩歲和三歲的聲音，或者會(huì)重復(fù)她之前提到了一些有意思的問題，她的那些很聰明的回答。提到蒂娜時(shí)，她一直用的是現(xiàn)在時(shí)：蒂娜有什么，蒂娜做什么，蒂娜說什么。就好像她還在一樣。

This must have seemed to her a good

? remedy for grief, because in that same period she revived, and she began to

? do the same thing with Tina. She no longer spent her days as if the child

? might return at any moment, but tried to fill the void in the house and in

? herself with a luminous little figure, as if it were the product of a

? computer program. Tina became a sort of hologram, she was there and not

? there. Lila called her up rather than recalling her. She showed me the photos

? in which she looked best or made me listen to her voice that Enzo had

? recorded on a tape recorder at one year, at two, at three, or quoted her

? funny little questions, her extraordinary answers, taking care to speak of

? her always in the present: Tina has, Tina does, Tina says.

但這并沒讓她開朗起來，她比以前更愛大喊大叫了。她對(duì)著兒子叫喊，和客戶吵架，對(duì)著我嚷嚷，和皮諾奇婭嚷嚷，和黛黛、艾爾莎，有時(shí)候甚至和伊瑪吵架。她尤其會(huì)和恩佐嚷嚷，他在工作時(shí)會(huì)忽然哭起來。但有時(shí)候她坐下來，就好像蒂娜剛丟的那陣子一樣，她會(huì)跟伊瑪講起里諾和蒂娜，就像他們一起出去了。伊瑪有時(shí)候會(huì)問：“他們什么時(shí)候回來啊？”這時(shí)候她不會(huì)發(fā)火，而是說：“他們想什么時(shí)候回來就什么時(shí)候回來。”但這種情況也越來越少了。在我因?yàn)閹讉€(gè)女兒和莉拉發(fā)生沖突之后，她好像再也不需要伊瑪了。事實(shí)上，慢慢地她很少叫伊瑪去她家了，盡管她對(duì)伊瑪很依戀，但她認(rèn)為伊瑪和兩個(gè)姐姐一樣。有一天晚上，我們剛進(jìn)到我們那棟樓的樓梯口，艾爾莎抱怨說她看到了一只蟑螂，黛黛一聽到蟑螂就惡心，伊瑪想讓我抱著。這時(shí)候莉拉對(duì)她們?nèi)齻€(gè)說——就好像我不在場一樣：“你們是有錢人家的孩子，還住在這里干什么，讓你們的母親把你們帶走吧。”

This didn’t soothe her, naturally, in

? fact she yelled more than before. She yelled at her son, at her clients, at

? me, at Pinuccia, at Dede and Elsa, sometimes at Imma. She yelled at Enzo, in

? particular, if, while he was working, he burst into tears. But sometimes she

? sat down, as she had done in the first days, and talked to Imma about Rino

? and about the child, as if for some reason they had left together. If the

? little girl asked, when are they coming back, she answered without getting

? angry: They’ll come back when they feel like it. But this, too, became less

? frequent. After our fight about my daughters she didn’t seem to need Imma

? anymore. In fact, she gradually reduced Imma’s visits, and, though with more

? affection, began to treat her like her sisters. One evening when we had just

? come into the shabby entranceway of our building—and Elsa complained because

? she had seen a cockroach, and Dede at the mere idea was disgusted, and Imma

? wanted me to pick her up—Lila said to all three, as if I weren’t present:

? You’re the daughters of a lady, what are you doing here, persuade your mother

? to take you away.

9

從表面上看，里諾死后，莉拉好了很多，她不再像一只驚弓之鳥，滿臉驚恐不安。她臉上的皮膚之前像一張被風(fēng)吹著的、鼓鼓的白色帆布，現(xiàn)在看起來柔和下來了，但那只是臨時(shí)的，很快她的臉上、額頭上，還有眼睛周圍出現(xiàn)了凌亂的皺紋，她臉頰上也出現(xiàn)了一些褶子。就好像她整個(gè)身體都開始變老了，她的腰開始彎曲，肚子也鼓了起來。

Apparently, then, after Rino’s death she

? seemed to improve. She stopped narrowing her eyes in alarm. The skin of her

? face, which seemed a pure white canvas sail flattened by a strong wind,

? softened. But it was a momentary improvement. Soon there was a jumble of

? wrinkles, on her forehead, at the edges of her eyes, even on her cheeks,

? where they looked like fake pleats. And her whole body began to age, her back

? was bent, her stomach swelled.

有一天卡門用她特有的語氣，憂慮地說：“蒂娜現(xiàn)在成了她心里的一個(gè)死結(jié)，我們要想辦法讓這件事情過去。”但莉拉拒絕改變，關(guān)于她女兒的一切都保持原樣。安東尼奧和恩佐還在繼續(xù)默默地尋找著孩子，我覺得事情有些進(jìn)展了，但忽然間安東尼奧也走了。他沒有跟任何人告別，帶著幾個(gè)金發(fā)的孩子和妻子，還有已經(jīng)年老的瘋瘋癲癲的梅麗娜走了，再也沒人跟她提供一些密信。她只剩一個(gè)人，把氣都撒在恩佐和詹納羅身上，她還會(huì)讓他們相互斗爭，或者她只是漫不經(jīng)心地想自己的心事，做出一副等待的樣子。

Carmen one day used an expression of her

? own, she said anxiously: Tina is encysted in her, we have to get her out. And

? she was right, we had to find a way to flush out the story of the child. But

? Lila refused, everything about her daughter was fixed. I think that something

? shifted, very painfully, only with Antonio and with Enzo but, out of

? necessity, in secret. And when suddenly Antonio left—without saying goodbye

? to anyone, taking his blond family and crazy Melina, now old—she no longer

? had even the mysterious reports he gave her. She was left alone to rage at

? Enzo and Gennaro, often setting one against the other. Or distracted, with

? her own thoughts, as if she were waiting.

我?guī)缀趺刻於家タ此踔猎谖抑苯桓鍟r(shí)也想盡一切辦法，想讓我們像之前那樣親密。她越來越懶洋洋的，有一次，我問她：

I stopped by every day, even when I was

? pressed by deadlines, and did all I could to revive our intimacy. Since she

? was always idle, I asked her once:

“你還喜歡你的工作嗎？”

“Do you still like your work?”

“我從來都沒喜歡過。”

“I never liked it.”

“你說謊，我記得你以前很喜歡。”

“You’re lying, I remember you liked it.”

“不，你記錯(cuò)了，是恩佐喜歡，我是強(qiáng)迫自己喜歡。”

“No, you don’t remember anything: Enzo

? liked it and so I made myself like it.”

“那你找點(diǎn)別的事情做。”

“Then find something else to do.”

“我現(xiàn)在這樣就很好，恩佐心不在焉，假如我不幫他的話，那公司就要關(guān)門了。”

“I’m fine like this. Enzo’s head is in

? the clouds and if I don’t help we’ll go out of business.”

“你們倆都應(yīng)該從痛苦中走出來。”

“You both need to emerge from your

? suffering.”

“萊農(nóng)，什么痛苦？我們只是應(yīng)該從憤怒中走出去。”

“What suffering, Lenù, we have to emerge

? from our rage.”

“那你們就從憤怒中走出來。”

“Then emerge from rage.”

“我們正在努力。”

“We’re trying.”

“你們要振作一點(diǎn)，蒂娜的事情已經(jīng)過去了。”

“Try with more conviction. Tina doesn’t

? deserve it.”

“不要提蒂娜了，多關(guān)注一下你的女兒吧。”

“Forget Tina, think about your own

? daughters.”

“我很關(guān)注她們。”

“I am thinking about them.”

“但還不夠。”

“Not enough.”

那些年她總能發(fā)現(xiàn)一些問題，推翻我的看法，讓我看到黛黛、艾爾莎和伊瑪?shù)娜秉c(diǎn)。她說：“你忽視她們了。”我接受她的批評(píng)，她的話有些是有根據(jù)的，我太沉迷于自己的事情，有時(shí)候會(huì)忽視她們。但我把話題挪到她和蒂娜身上，后來我一個(gè)勁兒強(qiáng)調(diào)她發(fā)黃的臉色。

She always found, in those years, cracks

? through which to turn a situation upside down and force me to look at the

? flaws of Dede, of Elsa, of Imma. You neglect them, she said. I accepted the

? criticisms, some were well-founded, I too often pursued my own life,

? neglecting theirs. But meanwhile I waited for an opportunity to shift the

? conversation back to her and Tina. At a certain point, I began to harass her

? about her pasty complexion.

“你臉色太蒼白。”

“You’re very pale.”

“你臉色太紅了，你看看你自己，整個(gè)人紅撲撲的。”

“You’re too red: look, you’re purple.”

“我說的是你，你身體有什么問題嗎？”

“I’m talking about you: what’s wrong?”

“貧血。”

“Anemia.”

“什么貧血。”

“What anemia.”

“我的月經(jīng)想什么時(shí)候來什么時(shí)候來，有時(shí)候來了就不走了。”

“My period comes when it likes, but then

? it doesn’t go away.”

“從什么時(shí)候開始的？”

“Since when?”

“一直都是這樣。”

“Forever.”

“莉拉，你不說實(shí)話。”

“Tell the truth, Lila.”

“這就是實(shí)話。”

“The truth.”

我刺激她，有時(shí)候是挑釁她，但她從來都沒失控，或者說擺脫我的提問。我想，這都是語言的問題：她使用意大利語，就好像那是一道屏障，我試著用方言，因?yàn)槲覀兊恼Z言會(huì)更直率。但當(dāng)我們倆說話時(shí)，她的意大利語是方言翻譯過來的，我的方言是意大利語翻譯過去的，我們倆說的都是一種虛假的語言。而我們需要脫口而出，用一種沒有經(jīng)過過濾的語言。我希望她用童年那種真誠的語言對(duì)我說：“萊農(nóng)！你他媽想干什么？我現(xiàn)在成為這個(gè)樣子，是因?yàn)槲沂チ宋遗畠海赡芩懒耍部赡芑钪o論是死是活，對(duì)我來說都是無法忍受的事，因?yàn)榧偃缢钪F(xiàn)在生活在距離我很遠(yuǎn)的地方，每天在她身上都會(huì)發(fā)生非常可怕的事情。我看得很清楚，我每天白天夜里都好像能看到她；但假如她死了，那我也死了，我的心死了，這種死亡比真正的死亡更讓人難以忍受，那是一種沒有情感的死亡，逼著你感受這一切，每天叫醒你，讓你洗漱，穿衣服，讓你吃飯喝水，工作，和你說話。假如你不明白，那是你不想明白。只是看到你穿得整整齊齊，頭發(fā)打理得像剛從理發(fā)店里出來，你的幾個(gè)女兒在學(xué)校里學(xué)習(xí)很好，她們做什么都很完美，就連這個(gè)會(huì)讓她們變壞的地方似乎對(duì)她們也有好處，會(huì)讓她們變得更自信、更驕傲，更確信自己有權(quán)利獲得一切，這都讓我的血變得發(fā)苦，我已經(jīng)那么苦了。你走吧，放過我吧，蒂娜應(yīng)該會(huì)比你們所有人都好，但她被帶走了，我受不了了。”

I pressed her, often I provoked her, and

? she reacted but never to the point of losing control and letting go.It

? occurred to me that it was now a linguistic question. She resorted to Italian

? as if to a barrier; I tried to push her toward dialect, our language of

? candor. But while her Italian was translated from dialect, my dialect was

? increasingly translated from Italian, and we both spoke a false language. She

? needed to explode, lose control of the words. I wanted her to say in the

? authentic Neapolitan of our childhood: What the fuck do you want, Lenù, I’m

? like this because I lost my daughter, and maybe she’s alive, maybe she’s

? dead, but I can’t bear either of those possibilities, because if she’s alive

? she’s alive far away from me, she’s in a place where horrible things are

? happening to her, which I see clearly, I see them all day and all night as if

? they were happening right before my eyes; but if she’s dead I’m dead, too,

? dead here inside, a death more unbearable than real death, which is death without

? feeling, while this death forces you to feel everything, every day, to wake

? up, wash, dress, eat and drink, work, talk to you who don’t understand or

? won’t understand, to you who even if I just see you, all set, fresh from the

? hairdresser, with your daughters who do well in school, who always do

? everything perfectly, who aren’t spoiled even by this place of shit, which,

? rather, seems to do them good—makes them even more confident, even more

? arrogant, even more sure they have the right to take everything—all this

? makes me more furious than I already was: so go, go, leave me in peace, Tina

? would have been better than all of you, and instead they took her, and I

? can’t bear it anymore.

我應(yīng)該讓她說出這樣混亂惡毒的話。我感覺她凌亂的腦子里已經(jīng)浮現(xiàn)出這樣的話，但她一直都沒這樣說。相反，仔細(xì)想想，在那個(gè)階段她要比之前任何一個(gè)階段平和一些。也許我所希望的那種發(fā)泄只是我自己的臆想，讓我無法看清形勢，讓我更無法理解莉拉的行為。有幾次，我懷疑她腦子里有一些無法言說、我無法想象的事情。

I would have liked to lead her into a

? conversation like that, jumbled, intoxicated. I felt that if she made up her

? mind she would extract from the tangled mass of her brain words of that sort.

? But it didn’t happen. In fact, as I think back, in that phase she was less

? aggressive than in other periods of our story. Maybe the outburst I hoped for

? was made up of my own feelings, which therefore hindered me from seeing the

? situation clearly and made Lila even more elusive. Sometimes I wondered if

? she had in her mind something unutterable that I wasn’t even capable of

? imagining.

10

最糟糕的是星期天，莉拉待在家里不工作，外面?zhèn)鱽砑械穆曇簟Ｎ蚁聵侨フ宜艺f：“我們出去吧，去城里散步，去看海。”她總是會(huì)拒絕，假如我太堅(jiān)持的話，她會(huì)發(fā)火。為了彌補(bǔ)她的惡劣態(tài)度，恩佐會(huì)說：“我和你們?nèi)ァ！彼R上會(huì)叫喊起來，說：“去吧，你們?nèi)グ桑∽屛野采粫?huì)兒，我洗個(gè)澡，洗個(gè)頭，你們讓我喘口氣。”

Sundays were the worst. Lila stayed home,

? she didn’t work, and from outside came the holiday voices. I went down, I

? said: Let’s go out, let’s take a walk to the center, let’s go to the sea. She

? refused, and got angry if I was too insistent. So, to make up for her

? rudeness, Enzo said: I’ll go, come on. She shouted immediately: Yes, go,

? leave me in peace, I’ll take a bath and wash my hair, let me breathe.

我們會(huì)一起出去，我的幾個(gè)女兒會(huì)去，有時(shí)候詹納羅也來，他舅舅死了之后，所有人都開始叫他里諾。在我們散步的那幾個(gè)小時(shí)里，恩佐會(huì)用他的方式對(duì)我說他的心里話，話語不多，有時(shí)候語焉不詳。他說，現(xiàn)在沒有蒂娜，他都不知道掙錢有什么用。他說，那些偷別人的孩子，讓他們的父母痛苦的行為，標(biāo)志著我們處于一個(gè)非常惡心的時(shí)期。他說，他女兒出生之后，那就像他腦子里點(diǎn)亮了一盞燈，現(xiàn)在這盞燈滅了。他說：“你記得嗎？就是在這里，在這條路上，我把她架在脖子上。”他說：“萊農(nóng)，謝謝你幫助我們，你不要生莉娜的氣，這個(gè)階段發(fā)生了那么多不幸的事，你比我更了解她，她遲早會(huì)好起來的。”

We would go out, my daughters came with

? us and sometimes also Gennaro—who, after the death of his uncle, we all

? called Rino. During those hours of our walks Enzo confided in me, in his

? laconic, sometimes obscure way. He said that without Tina he didn’t know what

? the point of making money was. He said that stealing children to make their

? parents suffer was a sign of the wretched times that were coming. He said

? that after the birth of his daughter it was as if a light had switched on in

? his head, and now the light had gone out. He said: You remember when right

? here, on this street, I carried her on my shoulders? He said: Thank you,

? Lenù, for the help you give us, don’t be angry with Lina, this is a time of

? tribulation, but you know her better than I do, sooner or later she’ll

? recover.

我默默聽著，我問他：“她臉色很蒼白，她身體到底怎么了？”我的意思是：我知道她現(xiàn)在備受痛苦折磨，但請(qǐng)告訴我，你有沒有看到，她身體上有什么讓人擔(dān)憂的癥狀嗎？但聽到“身體”這個(gè)詞，恩佐很尷尬。他對(duì)于莉拉的身體一無所知，他對(duì)她就像對(duì)待偶像一樣，拘謹(jǐn)而敬畏。他有些不是很肯定地回答說：“很好。”然后他變得很不安，想馬上回去，他說：“我們要盡量說服她出來，至少要在城區(qū)走走。”

I listened, I asked him: She’s very pale,

? physically how is she? I meant: I know she is tortured by grief, but tell me,

? is she healthy, have you noticed worrying symptoms? But in the face of

? “physically” Enzo was embarrassed. He knew almost nothing about Lila’s body,

? he adored it as one adores an idol, warily and with respect. And he answered

? without conviction: fine. Then he grew nervous, he was in a hurry to get

? home, he said: Let’s try to persuade her at least to take a short walk in the

? neighborhood.

我們的努力也是徒勞，只有極少幾次，我們?cè)谛瞧谔彀牙蚶瓘募依锢鰜恚@不是個(gè)什么好主意。她不修邊幅，披頭散發(fā)，走得很快，向四周投去憤恨的目光。我和幾個(gè)女兒都很吃力地跟在她后面，低眉順眼，就像幾個(gè)侍女，雖然我們比主人更漂亮，穿著更華麗。所有人都認(rèn)識(shí)她，包括那些擺攤的商販，他們都記得蒂娜失蹤時(shí)他們遇到的麻煩，他們很擔(dān)心會(huì)有其他麻煩，都躲著她。對(duì)于所有人來說，她是一個(gè)可怕的女人，遭遇了極大的不幸，她身上有極大的力量，她向周圍散發(fā)著這種力量。莉拉會(huì)帶著惡狠狠的目光向大路走去，然后走向小公園，人們會(huì)低下頭或者將目光移開。即使有人跟她打招呼，她也毫不在意，沒有任何回應(yīng)，看她走路的樣子，就好像急著趕去哪里，實(shí)際上她只是想躲過幾年前那個(gè)星期天的記憶。

Useless. Only very rarely could I get

? Lila outside on a Sunday. But it wasn’t a good idea. She walked quickly,

? carelessly dressed, her hair loose and disheveled, flashing angry glances. My

? daughters and I followed haltingly behind her, supportive, like handmaidens

? more beautiful, more richly adorned than our mistress. Everyone knew her,

? even the peddlers, who remembered the troubles they had had because of Tina’s

? disappearance and, afraid there could be others, avoided her. To everyone she

? was the terrifying woman who, stricken by a great misfortune, carried its

? potency with her, spreading it wherever she went. Lila walked along the

? stradone with her fierce gaze, toward the gardens, and people lowered their

? eyes, looked in another direction. But even if someone greeted her she paid

? no attention, and didn’t respond. From the way she walked she seemed to have

? an urgent goal. The truth is, she was running from the memory of that Sunday

? two years earlier.

我們一起出去的那幾次，不可避免會(huì)遇到索拉拉兄弟。有一段時(shí)間，他們一直都在城區(qū)，那個(gè)時(shí)期，那不勒斯有很多人都被殺了，至少星期天他們會(huì)選擇在城區(qū)里安詳度過，他們小時(shí)候生活的那些街道還是安全的，對(duì)于他們來說，這里就像一個(gè)堡壘。他們兩家人總會(huì)做同樣的事情，去教堂做彌撒，在那些擺攤的人中間逛逛，然后會(huì)帶著幾個(gè)孩子去城區(qū)圖書館，城區(qū)圖書館周末也對(duì)外開放，這是一個(gè)老傳統(tǒng)了，我和莉拉小時(shí)候，就已經(jīng)是這樣了。我覺得，去圖書館可能是埃莉莎或者吉耀拉要求的，但有一次，我不得不停下來和他們聊幾句，我發(fā)現(xiàn)這是米凱萊提出來的。他指著幾個(gè)孩子對(duì)我說——那幾個(gè)孩子已經(jīng)長大了，但很明顯，他們因?yàn)楹ε露槒母赣H，但他們對(duì)母親則一點(diǎn)兒敬意也沒有：

When we went out together we inevitably

? met the Solaras. Lately, they hadn’t been straying from the neighborhood

? much; there had been a lengthy list of people murdered in Naples, and, at

? least on Sundays, they preferred to remain peacefully on the streets of their

? childhood that for them were as safe as a fortress. The two families always

? did the same things. They went to Mass, they walked amid the stalls, they

? brought their children to the neighborhood library, which by long tradition,

? since the days when Lila and I were young, was open on Sundays. I thought it

? must be Elisa or Gigliola who imposed that educated ritual, but once when I

? stopped to exchange a few words I discovered that it was Michele. He said,

? pointing to his children, who although they were grown obeyed him, evidently

? out of fear, while they had no respect for their mother:

“這幾個(gè)孩子都知道，假如他們每個(gè)月不能從頭到尾讀一本書，我就不會(huì)給他們一分錢。我做得對(duì)嗎？萊農(nóng)？”

“They know that if they don’t read at

? least one book a month from the first page to the last I won’t give them a

? lira. I’m doing the right thing, no, Lenù?”

我不知道他們是不是真的從圖書館借書，他們的錢多到可以買下整個(gè)國家圖書館。他們這樣做是真的需要呢，還是演戲？無論如何他們已經(jīng)養(yǎng)成了習(xí)慣：他們會(huì)走上樓梯，推開那道四十年代的玻璃門，走進(jìn)去在里面待上不到十分鐘就出來了。

I don’t know if they really took out

? books, they had enough money to buy the entire Biblioteca Nazionale. But

? whether they did it out of real need or as a performance, they now had this

? habit: they went up the stairs, pushed open the glass door, a relic of the

? forties, went in, stayed for no more than ten minutes, and came out.

當(dāng)我獨(dú)自帶著幾個(gè)女兒時(shí)，馬爾切洛、米凱萊、吉耀拉還有幾個(gè)孩子對(duì)我都很客氣，只有我妹妹對(duì)我很冷淡。假如我和莉拉走在一起，事情會(huì)變得很復(fù)雜，我很擔(dān)心會(huì)發(fā)生什么危險(xiǎn)的事，但很少的幾次相遇，她都假裝索拉拉他們都不存在。索拉拉兄弟的態(tài)度也一樣，因?yàn)槲液屠蚶谝黄穑麄円餐耆珶o視我。但有一個(gè)星期天的早上，艾爾莎不想遵守那條不成文的規(guī)定，她帶著女王般的高傲跟米凱萊和吉耀拉的幾個(gè)兒子打招呼，他們也很不自在地回應(yīng)了，結(jié)果是，盡管天氣很冷，我們不得不停下來聊幾分鐘。索拉拉兄弟假裝他們之間有很重要的事情要說，我和吉耀拉聊了幾句，我的女兒和米凱萊的兒子聊天，伊瑪很好奇地看著她的表弟西爾維奧，他們現(xiàn)在見面越來越少了。沒人對(duì)莉拉說話，莉拉也沒有張口。只有米凱萊，當(dāng)他停下和哥哥聊天，開始用那種不恭的語氣對(duì)我說話，他提到了莉拉，但并沒有看她。他說：

When I was alone with my daughters,

? Marcello, Michele, Gigliola, and the boys, too, were cordial; only my sister

? was cool. With Lila, on the other hand, things were complicated, and I was

? afraid that the tension would rise dangerously. But on those very rare Sunday

? walks she always pretended that they didn’t exist. And the Solaras behaved

? the same way, and since I was with Lila they preferred to ignore me as well.

? Elsa, however, one Sunday morning, decided not to follow that unwritten rule

? and with her queen-of-hearts manners greeted the children of Michele and

? Gigliola, who responded uneasily. As a result, although it was very cold, we

? were forced to stop for a few minutes. The two Solaras pretended to have

? urgent things to talk about with each other, I spoke to Gigliola, the girls

? to the boys, Imma studied her cousin Silvio attentively, since we saw him so

? infrequently. No one addressed a word to Lila, and Lila, for her part, was

? silent. Only Michele, when he broke off his conversation with his brother and

? spoke to me in his teasing way, referred to her without looking at her:

“萊農(nóng)，現(xiàn)在我們?nèi)D書館一下，然后去吃飯。你愿意陪我們?nèi)幔俊?/p>

“Now, Lenù, we’re going to look in at the

? library and then we’re going to eat. Would you like to come with us?”

“不了。”我回答說，“我們要走了，改天吧。”

“No, thank you,” I said, “we have to go.

? Another time, though, certainly.”

“那改天，這樣你可以告訴幾個(gè)孩子，他們應(yīng)該讀什么書，不應(yīng)該讀什么書。對(duì)于我們來說，你和你的幾個(gè)女兒一直是楷模。看到你們走在路上，我們總是會(huì)說：萊農(nóng)以前和我們一樣，看看她現(xiàn)在變成什么樣子了。盡管她已經(jīng)是一個(gè)大人物了，但她一點(diǎn)兒傲氣也沒有，那么民主平和，她就像我們一樣，也生活在這里。啊，是的，學(xué)習(xí)會(huì)讓人變好。現(xiàn)在所有人都要上學(xué)，所有人都在看書，將來我們會(huì)好得不得了。但如果不讀書，不學(xué)習(xí)，就像發(fā)生在莉娜身上的事一樣，就像很多其他人，我們還是成不了好人，邪惡是很糟糕的。是不是，萊農(nóng)？”

“Good, then tell the boys what they

? should read and what they shouldn’t. You are an example for us, you and your

? daughters. When we see you pass by on the street we always say: once Lenuccia

? was like us, and look how she is now. She doesn’t know what pride is, she is

? democratic, she lives here with us, just like us, even though she’s an

? important person. Ah, yes, those who study become good. Today everyone goes

? to school, everyone keeps his eyes on the books, and so in the future we’ll

? have so much of that goodness it’ll be coming out of our ears. But if you

? don’t read and you don’t study, which is what happened to Lina, it happened

? to all of us, you stay malicious, and malice is ugly. Isn’t it true, Lenù?”

他抓住了我的一只手腕，眼睛里透著光。他帶著不恭說：“是不是這樣？”我點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，但我甩開他的手時(shí)太用力了，我母親的手鐲從我手腕上脫下來了，落到了他手上。

He grabbed me by the wrist, his eyes were

? shining. He repeated sarcastically: Isn’t it true? and I nodded yes, but I

? freed my wrist too forcefully, my mother’s bracelet remained in his hand.

“噢。”他感嘆了一句，這次他想尋找莉拉的目光，但莉拉沒看他。他帶著一種虛假的懊悔說：“對(duì)不起，我會(huì)給你修好的。”

“Oh,” he exclaimed, and this time he

? sought Lila’s gaze, but didn’t find it. He said with feigned regret: “I’m

? sorry, I’ll have it fixed for you.”

“沒關(guān)系。”

“It’s nothing.”

“絕對(duì)要給你修，這是我的錯(cuò)，我會(huì)讓它完好如新。馬爾切！你去一趟首飾加工店？”

“Absolutely not, it’s my duty: you’ll

? have it back like new. Marcè, you’ll go by the jeweler’s?”

馬爾切洛點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭。

Marcello nodded yes.

周圍的人都低著頭經(jīng)過，已經(jīng)快到了吃午飯的時(shí)候了，我們終于擺脫了索拉拉兄弟。莉拉對(duì)我說：

People were passing, eyes lowered; it was

? almost time for lunch. When we managed to get rid of the brothers Lila said

? to me:

“你比之前更不會(huì)保護(hù)自己。那個(gè)手鐲，你再也見不到了。”

“You’re even more defenseless than you

? used to be: you’ll never see that bracelet again.”

11

我看到她很虛弱、焦慮，她好像在擔(dān)憂一種無法控制的東西會(huì)把整棟樓、她的房子和她自己切成兩半，我確信她的危機(jī)即將來臨。有幾天時(shí)間，我不知道她的情況，因?yàn)槲腋忻傲耍麄€(gè)人暈乎乎的。黛黛也在咳嗽發(fā)燒，我肯定感冒也會(huì)傳染給艾爾莎和伊瑪。除此之外，我還有一份稿子要馬上交（我要給以女性身體為主題的一期雜志寫稿子），我一點(diǎn)兒也不想寫，也沒力氣寫。

I was convinced that she was about to

? have one of her crises. I saw that she was debilitated and anguished, as if

? she expected something uncontrollable to break the building in two, the

? apartment, herself. For several days, knocked out by the flu, I didn’t hear

? anything about her. Dede, too, had a cough and a fever, and I assumed that

? the virus would soon be transmitted to Elsa and to Imma. Also, I had an

? article to hand in urgently (I was supposed to do something for a magazine

? that was devoting an entire issue to the female body) and I didn’t have the

? desire or the strength to write.

外面刮起了冷風(fēng)，窗戶玻璃在抖動(dòng)，窗扇閉合不是很好，刀片一樣的風(fēng)會(huì)吹到屋里來。星期五那天，恩佐過來跟我說，他要去阿維利諾一趟，因?yàn)樗囊粋€(gè)老姑姑病了。至于里諾，他星期六和星期天會(huì)在斯特凡諾那兒，因?yàn)樗固胤仓Z讓他幫忙把肉食店的家具拆下來，送到買下這些家具的某個(gè)人那里。就剩下莉拉一個(gè)人在家，恩佐說她有些抑郁，讓我多陪陪她。但我很累，我剛有了一點(diǎn)兒思路，黛黛一會(huì)兒叫我，伊瑪需要我，艾爾莎在抗議，我的想法就全沒了。皮諾奇婭來收拾屋子時(shí)，我讓她做了很多飯，把星期六和星期天的飯都做好了，然后我把自己關(guān)在臥室里，在小書桌前開始工作。

Outside a cold wind had arisen; it shook

? the windowpanes, blades of cold penetrated the loose frames. On Friday Enzo

? came to tell me that he had to go to Avellino because an old aunt of his was

? ill. As for Rino, he would be spending Saturday and Sunday with Stefano, who

? had asked him to help dismantle the fixtures in the grocery and take them to

? a man who was willing to buy them. Lila therefore would be alone, and Enzo

? said that she was a little depressed, he wanted me to keep her company. But I

? was tired, I barely had time to focus on a thought when Dede called me, Imma

? wanted me, Elsa protested, and the thought vanished. When Pinuccia came to

? clean the house I asked her to cook enough for Saturday and Sunday, then I

? shut myself in my bedroom, where I had a table to work at.

第二天，我看到莉拉沒動(dòng)靜，我就下去請(qǐng)她上來吃飯。她披頭散發(fā)來給我開門，穿著拖鞋，睡衣上面套著一件深綠色的家居服。但讓我驚異的是，她的眼睛和嘴上化了很濃的妝。家里非常亂，味道也很難聞。她說：“如果風(fēng)再刮得大一點(diǎn)兒，這個(gè)城區(qū)都要被吹走了。”這只是一句夸大之詞，但我很不安，她這樣說時(shí)，就好像真的很確信，這個(gè)城區(qū)會(huì)被風(fēng)從根基卷起，刮到紅橋那里去，變成碎片。當(dāng)她意識(shí)到我感受到了她的不正常，她很勉強(qiáng)地?cái)D出一個(gè)微笑，嘟噥了一句：“我開玩笑呢。”我點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭，我跟她說了中午我那兒有什么好吃的。她一下子來精神了，反應(yīng)有些夸張，但一下之后，她的心情馬上就變了。她說：

The next day, since I hadn’t heard from? Lila, I went down to invite her to lunch. She came to the door in sandals, an? old green bathrobe over her pajamas, her hair disheveled. But to my amazement? her eyes and mouth were heavily made up. The house was a mess, and there was? an unpleasant smell. She said: If the wind blows any harder the neighborhood? will fly away. Nothing but an overused hyperbole and yet I was alarmed: she? had said it as if she were convinced that the neighborhood really could be? torn from its foundations and carried off to shatter near Ponti Rossi. Once? she realized that I had perceived how odd her tone was, she smiled in a? forced way, whispered: I was joking. I nodded, I listed the good things there? were for lunch. She became excited in an exaggerated way, but a moment later? her mood abruptly changed, she said:?

“把午飯給我送到這里來，我不想去你那兒，你的幾個(gè)女兒讓我很煩。”

"Bring me lunch here, I don’t want

? to come to your house, your daughters get on my nerves."

我把午飯和晚飯都給她帶了下來，樓道里很冷，我很不舒服，我不想上上下下，只是聽她說那些難聽話。但我把飯送過去時(shí)，我很驚異地看到她很熱情，她說：“你別走，你跟我待一會(huì)兒。”她把我拉到了洗手間，一邊很仔細(xì)地梳頭，一邊跟我說到了我的幾個(gè)女兒，語氣很柔和，帶著欣賞，就好像要說服我，不要把她幾分鐘前說的話放在心上。

I brought her lunch and also dinner. The

? stairs were cold, I didn’t feel well, and I didn’t want to go up and down

? just to have unpleasant things said to me. But this time I found her

? surprisingly cordial, she said Wait, sit with me for a moment. She drew me

? into the bathroom, she brushed her hair carefully, and meanwhile spoke about

? my daughters with tenderness, with admiration, as if to convince me that she

? didn’t seriously believe what she had said to me earlier.

“剛開始，”她把頭發(fā)分成兩股，開始編辮子，但眼睛一直盯著鏡子里的自己，“黛黛和你很像，現(xiàn)在她變得和她父親一樣。艾爾莎正好相反，剛開始和她父親一模一樣，但現(xiàn)在她開始像你。一切都在變，愿望和想象比血液流得還快！”

“At first,” she said, dividing the hair

? into two, and beginning to braid it without losing sight of her image in the

? mirror, “Dede resembled you, now instead she’s becoming like her father. The

? opposite is happening with Elsa: she seemed identical to her father and now

? instead she’s starting to look like you. Everything moves. A wish, a fantasy

? travels more swiftly than blood.”

“我不明白。”

“I don’t understand.”

“你記不記得，之前我以為詹納羅是尼諾的孩子？”

“You remember when I thought Gennaro was

? Nino’s?”

“我記得。”

“Yes.”

“我真是這么覺得，我覺得孩子長得和他一模一樣，簡直就是他的翻版。”

“To me he really seemed so, he was

? identical to Nino, his exact image.”

“你是說，當(dāng)一個(gè)愿望變得很強(qiáng)烈時(shí)，會(huì)看起來像實(shí)現(xiàn)了一樣？”

“You mean that a desire can be so strong

? as to seem fulfilled?”

“不，我想說的是，有幾年詹納羅真的是尼諾的兒子。”

“No, I mean that for a few years Gennaro

? was truly Nino’s child.”

“你不要太夸張了。”

“Don’t exaggerate.”

她瞪了我一眼，在洗手間里，她拖著腿一瘸一拐地走了幾步，假惺惺地笑了起來。

She stared at me spitefully for a moment,

? she took a few steps in the bathroom, limping, she burst out laughing in a

? slightly artificial way.

“你覺得我這樣夸張嗎？”

“So it seems to you that I’m

? exaggerating?”

我明白她在模仿我的步子，我有些不悅。

I realized with some annoyance that she

? was imitating my walk.

“不要取笑我，我的胯骨疼。”

“Don’t make fun of me, my hip hurts.”

“你哪兒都不疼，萊農(nóng)，是你特意一瘸一拐的，因?yàn)槟悴幌胱屇隳赣H完全死去，現(xiàn)在你真的瘸了。我研究過你，這對(duì)你有好處。索拉拉兄弟把你的手鐲拿走了，你什么都沒說，你并不難過，也不擔(dān)憂。我當(dāng)時(shí)想著，那是因?yàn)槟悴恢涝趺捶纯梗F(xiàn)在我明白了，其實(shí)事情并非如此，你只是成熟了。你覺得自己很強(qiáng)大，你已經(jīng)不再是一個(gè)女兒，你成了一個(gè)真正的母親。”

“Nothing hurts, Lenù. You invented that

? limp in order not to let your mother die completely, and now you really do

? limp, and I’ve studied you, it’s good for you. The Solaras took your bracelet

? and you said nothing, you weren’t sorry, you weren’t worried. At the time I

? thought it was because you don’t know how to rebel, but now I understand it’s

? not that. You’re getting old properly. You feel strong, you stopped being a

? daughter, you truly became a mother.”

我很不自在，我說：

I felt uneasy, I repeated:

“我只是有點(diǎn)兒疼。”

“It’s just a little pain.”

“對(duì)于你，就連疼痛也是有好處的。你只是稍微有點(diǎn)瘸，你母親就繼續(xù)靜靜地存在于你的身體里。你一瘸一拐，她的腿很高興，因此你也很高興，難道不是這樣嗎？”

“Even pain does you good. You just needed

? a slight limp and now your mother stays quietly inside you. Her leg is glad

? that you limp and so you, too, are glad. Isn’t that true?”

“不是。”

“No.”

她做了一個(gè)諷刺的表情，就像想重申她不相信我說的。她把化了濃妝的眼睛瞇成一道縫，盯著我說：

She gave me an ironic look to reassert

? that she didn’t believe me, and with her made-up eyes narrowed to cracks

? said:

“你覺得，蒂娜四十二歲時(shí)會(huì)不會(huì)是我這個(gè)樣子？”

“Do you think that when Tina is

? forty-two, she’ll be like this?”

我盯著她，她滿臉挑釁的表情，她的手抓著兩根辮子。我說：

I stared at her. She had a provocative

? expression, her hands tight around the braids. I said:

“有可能會(huì)，是的，也許會(huì)。”

“It’s likely, yes, maybe so.”